So here I am once again. I think it all stems from forgetting to take my meds for a couple of days. And it is spring. I always have a hard time in the spring. And I am burned out. So desperately in need of the break for life this coming weekend.
I miss everyone. I miss you and there is nothing in sight that I will get to see you. I don't care what has happened or what will happen. You are my best friend and nothing will ever change that.
I miss Jasen so much today. And I don't know why. But so much so that I have cried. And I haven't cried over him in such a long time. I love him. I will ALWAYS love him. And I will always miss him. He is a part of me. I think I am just letting it hit me because when Eric was killed on march 5 I was there for Carla because I understood. And it has been hard on me too.
And losing so many young people in less than a month has been more than I could bear. Eric...Josh...Carlton...Chase...I just wish I could understand it. These kids were just that...kids...ranging from 18 months to 20 years old.
The I got to my grandparents today and asshole came over. I just want to hang him up by his balls and cut his dick off.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Confused maybe
My head is swimming in confusion today. I don't know who to meld the two side of me together. I feel like Jekyll and Hyde most of the time and I am tired of it...I am just sick and tired of it. I need someone to talk to in depth about it but there never seems like enough hours in the day. So here I am...stuck in the middle once again.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Where to start?
I don't know where to start.
I guess....last week...that is when it all started.
On the day that marked 4 years since we had lost Dana, we found out my baby cousin on that side of the family had bladder cancer. We were scared to death but he had surgery last Thursday and they got it all. There is a 10% chance of recurrence but this dear lady I met in the last few weeks told me today we were believing for a 0% chance :-)
Then we will return to last Thursday. I am at work when I get a text from Momma saying that they had to call the ambulance for Brandon and they were on their way to the hospital. Brandon got up and took all his seizure medicines at 6 that morning. By 0630 he was in a full blown grand mal seizure. When that finally ended, my grandparents and Momma gave him an Ativan (as the neurologist has told us to do). Little did anyone realize that he never came out of that seizure completely and went into another massive grand mal seizure. This time he quit breathing...for a long period of time. Momma said it was 5 minutes but probably not. I know it seems like an eternity when it happens. They finally got him to the hospital and he went through a gamut of tests, all of which were negative, given some Valium and sent back home. Each seizure he has (which it has been 2 years since his last one) gets worse and worse. It just scares me. Anyone who knows me knows that that child is more like my own child than my little cousin.
Work...I almost literally HATE one of my coworkers because she is so mean to me. I don't know what I have done to her (except being a new nurse) but she has always treated me like this...only it is getting worse and worse. The director of nursing knows this is going on but the last time she asked me about it, I told her it depended what side of the bed this person got up on. Lately, it has been an every day occurrence and it is REALLY working on my nerves. So much it is physically effecting me.
I love my patients at work. Some more than others lol. But I have this little lady that has been there almost a month. Tomorrow she goes to the nursing home. My heart is breaking because I have come to care about this lady - and her family - very much. I know I will stay in contact with them because they have become friends of mine over this time. And I told this lady that I would come visit her in the nursing home. But not seeing them everyday is going to be an adjustment. I never expected to get attached to Mrs. P as much as I did.
Then I have another patient who is only 40 years old with terminal cancer. She has been in the hospital 3 times since I was hired in September. She is in there now and has been since before Christmas. She isn't going to be with us much longer and it is hard watching her die. When she was coherent, she was such a fun person to be around.
I care deeply for my patients...sometimes too much. But that is who I am. That is what makes me who I am. And while it is hard, it is what I am supposed to be doing.
School is good. I take my final in Microbiology on February 1 and then I can move on to another subject...Thank goodness! This class is killing me!!
The last 24 hours or so I have cried almost nonstop and I don't know why. I am missing my best friend more than anything. I always miss you but the last day or two has been worse than usual. I have literally cried because I miss you so much.
I guess....last week...that is when it all started.
On the day that marked 4 years since we had lost Dana, we found out my baby cousin on that side of the family had bladder cancer. We were scared to death but he had surgery last Thursday and they got it all. There is a 10% chance of recurrence but this dear lady I met in the last few weeks told me today we were believing for a 0% chance :-)
Then we will return to last Thursday. I am at work when I get a text from Momma saying that they had to call the ambulance for Brandon and they were on their way to the hospital. Brandon got up and took all his seizure medicines at 6 that morning. By 0630 he was in a full blown grand mal seizure. When that finally ended, my grandparents and Momma gave him an Ativan (as the neurologist has told us to do). Little did anyone realize that he never came out of that seizure completely and went into another massive grand mal seizure. This time he quit breathing...for a long period of time. Momma said it was 5 minutes but probably not. I know it seems like an eternity when it happens. They finally got him to the hospital and he went through a gamut of tests, all of which were negative, given some Valium and sent back home. Each seizure he has (which it has been 2 years since his last one) gets worse and worse. It just scares me. Anyone who knows me knows that that child is more like my own child than my little cousin.
Work...I almost literally HATE one of my coworkers because she is so mean to me. I don't know what I have done to her (except being a new nurse) but she has always treated me like this...only it is getting worse and worse. The director of nursing knows this is going on but the last time she asked me about it, I told her it depended what side of the bed this person got up on. Lately, it has been an every day occurrence and it is REALLY working on my nerves. So much it is physically effecting me.
I love my patients at work. Some more than others lol. But I have this little lady that has been there almost a month. Tomorrow she goes to the nursing home. My heart is breaking because I have come to care about this lady - and her family - very much. I know I will stay in contact with them because they have become friends of mine over this time. And I told this lady that I would come visit her in the nursing home. But not seeing them everyday is going to be an adjustment. I never expected to get attached to Mrs. P as much as I did.
Then I have another patient who is only 40 years old with terminal cancer. She has been in the hospital 3 times since I was hired in September. She is in there now and has been since before Christmas. She isn't going to be with us much longer and it is hard watching her die. When she was coherent, she was such a fun person to be around.
I care deeply for my patients...sometimes too much. But that is who I am. That is what makes me who I am. And while it is hard, it is what I am supposed to be doing.
School is good. I take my final in Microbiology on February 1 and then I can move on to another subject...Thank goodness! This class is killing me!!
The last 24 hours or so I have cried almost nonstop and I don't know why. I am missing my best friend more than anything. I always miss you but the last day or two has been worse than usual. I have literally cried because I miss you so much.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Catching up
Well, I got my test results today and they were fine. I am glad to hear that. Maybe these problems will go away soon. They are just annoying in the meantime.
I have to go today to get 4 cavities filled. Not looking forward to that at all but that is life.
I have several things that I want to talk about. And I simply have no one to tell except ya'll.
I made the comment that yesterday was a very trying for me. We have a patient that was crashing in a hurry. The CNA was in the room helping the patient and noticed the patient was turning blue around the mouth and nose. She couldn't find me or the RN (we were in other rooms) so she told the nurse that was in the station. That nurse told her to wait just a minute. The CNA went back into the room with the woman and called the nurse again that was in the station. The nurse's response thsi time?? "I will have to find a nurse." WHAT ARE YOU???? Rather quickly the CNA saw me and the RN. We started working on this patient immediately. We got O2 on her and got some stat ABGs. She was "sat"ing in the low 80s on oxygen and was tachy at around 160. We worked with her and got her to the ICU. I don't know what happened over that. That whole situation was trying but especially the nurse who said "I will have to find a nurse."
Then we go on to another situation with the wreck I had 2 years ago...2 years ago tomorrow. Then of course you both know that I had the partial mastectomy in November 2011. I am still fighting with the hospital and the insurance company about getting this stuff paid. I have paid out at different times around a total of $1000 that I honestly didn't owe but was tired of dealing with them. However, I have refused to pay anymore. The insurance should be paying all this crap. So now, the hospital has turned over part of it to a collection agency so that is ruining my credit. The insurance has told me not to talk to the collection agency yet they won't straighten it out. Therefore, if nothing is cleared up by Monday, I am going to an attorney on Tuesday. I am so done with this crap.
Now to get ready to go to the dentist then back home to study.
I have to go today to get 4 cavities filled. Not looking forward to that at all but that is life.
I have several things that I want to talk about. And I simply have no one to tell except ya'll.
I made the comment that yesterday was a very trying for me. We have a patient that was crashing in a hurry. The CNA was in the room helping the patient and noticed the patient was turning blue around the mouth and nose. She couldn't find me or the RN (we were in other rooms) so she told the nurse that was in the station. That nurse told her to wait just a minute. The CNA went back into the room with the woman and called the nurse again that was in the station. The nurse's response thsi time?? "I will have to find a nurse." WHAT ARE YOU???? Rather quickly the CNA saw me and the RN. We started working on this patient immediately. We got O2 on her and got some stat ABGs. She was "sat"ing in the low 80s on oxygen and was tachy at around 160. We worked with her and got her to the ICU. I don't know what happened over that. That whole situation was trying but especially the nurse who said "I will have to find a nurse."
Then we go on to another situation with the wreck I had 2 years ago...2 years ago tomorrow. Then of course you both know that I had the partial mastectomy in November 2011. I am still fighting with the hospital and the insurance company about getting this stuff paid. I have paid out at different times around a total of $1000 that I honestly didn't owe but was tired of dealing with them. However, I have refused to pay anymore. The insurance should be paying all this crap. So now, the hospital has turned over part of it to a collection agency so that is ruining my credit. The insurance has told me not to talk to the collection agency yet they won't straighten it out. Therefore, if nothing is cleared up by Monday, I am going to an attorney on Tuesday. I am so done with this crap.
Now to get ready to go to the dentist then back home to study.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Whoa, baby!
Have you just ever felt like you were right smack dab in the middle of hell & God was nowhere around? When I read that again today (it has been many, many years since I have read that), it fit with what I have felt lately. And I know it has felt like God was no where around because I wouldn’t let Him in…and He is a gentleman. He isn’t going to force his way in.
I have now decided to find that secret place again. To get alone with God, give Him my undivided attention, and pray. Basically just get back on track. I want to meet God again and let Him strengthen me. I want to let him fight my battles because they are His - not mine. I want to be refreshed and be at peace in Him. I have been stuck in a rut for way too long and I got too comfortable and complacent.
I have learned a lot in the last six months about loving people - more importantly to love them where they are. To accept them where they are. To love them like Jesus.
I got so caught up in studying and then working that I forgot why I went into nursing in the first place. It is my calling - of that I have no doubts. It is my ministry - of this I have no doubts either. But I haven’t been treating it that way and it is time I started walking in that way.
On January 28, 2009 (yes I remember the date exactly!), I was told a lot of things that at the time I thought were meant to hurt me. I realized quickly they weren’t and the things that were said have stuck with me all these years. I was told that this person was so hard on me because they saw such great potential in me. That I had to learn to have a tender heart but tough skin. I don’t know why that came to my mind as I was writing this tonight but it did.
Now, ending this I am going to say one thing - though I am trying to get my life back together and in the direction it should be and it once was, I am not going to go down the “super spiritual saint” road again. I am not going to condemn others for the way they live their life. It huts too many people and it isn’t loving people like Jesus. I am a Christian but I am also me. You can love me or you can leave me.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Revelation
So for the last few days, I thought about the blog that you wrote - The Preacher or the Whore?. I went back and read it again. I have always identified with Mary and her alabaster box. I have always identified with the whore.
My life has taken such a drastic and different road than I ever expected it to take but that is okay. I am learning to like the road it has taken. I make mistakes. Each mistake is a lesson learned. I am not perfect. But I am the only one that expects me to be perfect.
I am going to stop putting up a front. One of those fronts that says "yes, I am perfect. yes, I am the good little girl you think I am." I will not be perfect but I want to be that good person again. At this point, there is nothing good about me. NOTHING!
I am really excited. I started reading my Bible again today. And tomorrow I am going back to church.
My life has taken such a drastic and different road than I ever expected it to take but that is okay. I am learning to like the road it has taken. I make mistakes. Each mistake is a lesson learned. I am not perfect. But I am the only one that expects me to be perfect.
I am going to stop putting up a front. One of those fronts that says "yes, I am perfect. yes, I am the good little girl you think I am." I will not be perfect but I want to be that good person again. At this point, there is nothing good about me. NOTHING!
I am really excited. I started reading my Bible again today. And tomorrow I am going back to church.
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