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She texts me and tells me her problems. I listen and try to help. She asks me what is wrong and I can't tell her. I BS her because I know she will pester me until I tell her something. She can't know the things someone else knows.

December 29, 1998

This was one of the many days in life that changed me forever. This was the day the love of my life was taken from me. Tonight I can sit back and think about Jasen with bittersweet memories. This time last year I saw sitting on ST's couch bawling because I couldn't even think about Jasen without falling to pieces.

Several memories stand out in my mind. The day I met Jasen. The two of us sitting on the hood of my car jamming. The day we graduated. The day he proposed. And all the little things in between.

I will always love him and will always think about and remember him but now I can do it with a smile on my face instead of tears in my eyes.

Yesterday and Today

Yesterday I was so emotional but glad that I was able to tell the one person I wanted to about what is going on with me.  I have had someone ask me incessantly what was wrong - that I had been too quiet lately.  I put a smiley face in the text and say that I have been super busy and sick a lot and that satisfies her.  That person doesn't see past the fake smiles anymore.  Oh, well.  I don't care to be honest with you.

I know what is going on or what has gone on is part of what is wrong.  In time, I know from experience, I will be okay emotionally.  I don't feel the deep ache and emptiness I felt last time.  I am a tough cookie.  I will be 'aight" as my grandmother has always told me lol.

I start my micro class today and I am super excited.  I am embarking on this new adventure in my life and it is one that gets me one step closer to my ultimate goal.  This one is going to take a lot longer than I had anticipated but that is okay.  You do what you have to do!

This new year is going to be a new start for me.  I hope to lose more weight (I have lost 10 lbs since I started working).  Once I find a new substitute for Pepsi, then I think 10 more lbs at least will come off easily.  I bought a Wii today which for me is GREAT exercise so that is to start as soon as it comes in.  I just want to be healthy and happy in this new year.

No more moping about choices I have made or how things are not the way I had anticipated.  There is a reason for everything and I am quite okay with that.

Thank you ... for everything.  We all have that person we can be 100 percent honest with in our lives and you are that person for me.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  I love you dearly, my friend.

I was scared...

...to tell you. Though I know you are the same person sometimes things feel different and I know it is just me. I am not proud of what I have done but I had to tell you. I wanted to text you in the wee hours of the morning and tell you.

You asked if I was okay? Yes, I made this choice on my own without anyone pressuring me. I made this decision because I didn't know who the father was. I am not proud of that either but you need to know the whole truth.

I am not the person you or anyone else thinks I am. I am not the one I lead people to believe I am. I am me though. Flaws and all. Take it or leave it. That is all there is.

Twice in one day?

It is 3:08 in the morning and I have been up for over an hour. I have so much on my mind. And I can't talk to anyone about it. Not even you. And I just can't take it anymore.

Do you??

Do you realize when someone cares so deeply for you? Do you really care? How does a person let another know just how deeply they love another? And not a romantic love. A love that is between friends...a friend who has been there for years through everything? Yet it is a love for a friend I have never felt before.

Devastated

Yesterday was one of the most devastating days of my life thus far. There were 7 of us in my school circle of close friends and I was the only one that didn't get into RN school.  I know that God has other plans for me but it still devastated me.  I was certain with everything that was within me that I was in.  

I talked to one of my teachers than I am closest to and she did some checking for me. I was 5 points short of making the deadline.  But this is what she did find out thus far.  There are only 3 so far that has returned their acceptance letters.  The deadline is December 14.  We will see then if there were a lot of people that didn't return their letters and there may be room for me.  She has already got a call into the head of the nursing department and said she was not above going to the Dean of the nursing department to try to get me in. 

So at this point I am sitting back and waiting. I am looking into other options - especially doing it online - but will not apply or anything until I find out what is going to happen until after December 14.  

I really think this has been a test of my faith and I have failed miserably but my God is a forgiving God..  I feel like this is a test because I have quit going to church, I have quit reading my bible, I have quit praying.  I am so far from where I need to be or want to be so this was a turning point for me.  It was a wake up call.

Been a while

Well, I figured I would give this a go again. I just feel like I am whining all the time but I keep so much inside of me that I feel like I am going to explode.

I don't know who I am anymore.  I don't know what is right and wrong anymore.  Everything just seems so confusing. I am trying so hard to change my life. In the direction I once was. The direction I want to be again. How did I get from who I was to who I am?? How did I get so off track?? When did I stop knowing right from wrong?? The questions are there but the answers are not.  I just know where I want to be again.  I want to stop pretending and actually be that person again.

I lost a whole boat load of friends in the last few months due to some decisions I made.  Some of them I really miss.  Well one of them anyways. And I found out today that she has cancer. I have cried all afternoon simply because I don't know if her physical body is strong enough to go through what is coming in the next few weeks and/or months.

I miss being able to pick up the phone and text another friend any time I want to. I have made so many mistakes and hurt her so many times that it isn't even funny.  Yet when something happens during the day I still want to tell her about it.

I am waiting to hear if I got into RN school.  The school keeps lying to us about when the letters have/will go out.  I am just anxious all the time about that.  But in time I guess.  Just ready to get the next process rolling so I can move on to the next chapter of my life.

Life

There is only one thing that would make my life perfect and that is having my best friend back

I am..

So lost...

Questions, confusion, and sorrow

I have so many questions right now that I don't know where to start. I just want to cry more than anything. And cry I have in the last 24 hours. It has been so hard not to ask WHY,GOD?????

I read a blog today about moving on. There comes a time in life where it has to be done.  However, that doesn't mean it is easy...and it doesn't mean it is right. Moving on may be a part of life or it may be because of the actions of one or both people.  I make mistakes. Huge ones. And sometimes I don't know what part is the mistake. But there is one thing I know. When I love, I love deeply. I don't throw that word around easily. Just so you know.

I lost someone very close to me last night. This man...was my mentor...was my rock in some of the most trying times of my life. He was my biggest champion. He was my pastor in every sense of the word. The thought of having to face the rest of this life without him is more than I can handle right now.

I realized I am truly alone.

New Job

So I have had 2 days on my new job and so far it is boring lol.  However, we are just in orientation right now.  The last few days have been very hard on me for other reasons also. But one foot in from on the other and one day at a time. That is all I can do. 

--Brokenhearted

Dreams

So this is a dream I have chased since I was 12 years old. Tomorrow I finally realize the first step in that journey. I am so very excited and so very nervous. I love ALL my friends and family that have helped me in any way to get to this point.

Heartbroken

Something that pisses me off:  Just because I choose my family over my friends - no matter how much I love you - does NOT mean I love you any less.  You have been my best friend for 5 years and you will always be.  End of story. I am sorry you can not accept what I have to offer but I do understand.  You know where I am always.

Decisions

What do you do when you have to choose between your friends and your life and your family...family always comes first...and it is killing me...

Mysterious

I think I have shocked a few people the last few days with my blog but that is okay. It is just for me and just for those that I choose to show it to. Which means those that are not going to judge me and are not going to turn away from me becuase of my lifestyles.

A few months ago I went to tell someone I was very close to - at the time - the truth here. I told her that I had to tell her something. And the first words out of her mouth was "If you tell me you are bisexual, I will never speak to you again." Nice friend, huh? 

However, there comes a time in your life while you are not ready to tell everyone there is someone that you have to tell.  I knew that I could tell my best  friend for sure.  It just took me a while to get there...but I tell her everything eventually.

Today I officially became a professional.  I can't start my career off with this hanging over my head. I also can't tell anywhere where I live beause I would love everything and everyone including my family. I don't have that many people left in my life as it is. I can't afford to lose anyone else.

Memoirs of a ------ Girl...

...because I am 50 shades of fucked up.  That was my favorite line last night because it described me perfectly.

I tear myself open and pour out my heart and life in this blog starting today.

So a confession to start off with...I am bisexual.  I have known it for a really long time and wouldn't admit it to myself or anyone else.  Can I show that side of me to many? Absolutely not.  I have had feelings for women for a long time but never acted on them until this summer.  And when I did it opened a whole new world to me.  But I like the dick too.  I won't give that up either. 

So how about that side of me that no one knew. 

Just for me

Just for me

This blog is just for me.  There are things that I need to talk about that I can't talk about openly.  So this is the place for me to get things off my chest without judgment and without anyone knowing.

Just for me