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She texts me and tells me her problems. I listen and try to help. She asks me what is wrong and I can't tell her. I BS her because I know she will pester me until I tell her something. She can't know the things someone else knows.

December 29, 1998

This was one of the many days in life that changed me forever. This was the day the love of my life was taken from me. Tonight I can sit back and think about Jasen with bittersweet memories. This time last year I saw sitting on ST's couch bawling because I couldn't even think about Jasen without falling to pieces.

Several memories stand out in my mind. The day I met Jasen. The two of us sitting on the hood of my car jamming. The day we graduated. The day he proposed. And all the little things in between.

I will always love him and will always think about and remember him but now I can do it with a smile on my face instead of tears in my eyes.

Yesterday and Today

Yesterday I was so emotional but glad that I was able to tell the one person I wanted to about what is going on with me.  I have had someone ask me incessantly what was wrong - that I had been too quiet lately.  I put a smiley face in the text and say that I have been super busy and sick a lot and that satisfies her.  That person doesn't see past the fake smiles anymore.  Oh, well.  I don't care to be honest with you.

I know what is going on or what has gone on is part of what is wrong.  In time, I know from experience, I will be okay emotionally.  I don't feel the deep ache and emptiness I felt last time.  I am a tough cookie.  I will be 'aight" as my grandmother has always told me lol.

I start my micro class today and I am super excited.  I am embarking on this new adventure in my life and it is one that gets me one step closer to my ultimate goal.  This one is going to take a lot longer than I had anticipated but that is okay.  You do what you have to do!

This new year is going to be a new start for me.  I hope to lose more weight (I have lost 10 lbs since I started working).  Once I find a new substitute for Pepsi, then I think 10 more lbs at least will come off easily.  I bought a Wii today which for me is GREAT exercise so that is to start as soon as it comes in.  I just want to be healthy and happy in this new year.

No more moping about choices I have made or how things are not the way I had anticipated.  There is a reason for everything and I am quite okay with that.

Thank you ... for everything.  We all have that person we can be 100 percent honest with in our lives and you are that person for me.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  I love you dearly, my friend.

I was scared...

...to tell you. Though I know you are the same person sometimes things feel different and I know it is just me. I am not proud of what I have done but I had to tell you. I wanted to text you in the wee hours of the morning and tell you.

You asked if I was okay? Yes, I made this choice on my own without anyone pressuring me. I made this decision because I didn't know who the father was. I am not proud of that either but you need to know the whole truth.

I am not the person you or anyone else thinks I am. I am not the one I lead people to believe I am. I am me though. Flaws and all. Take it or leave it. That is all there is.

Twice in one day?

It is 3:08 in the morning and I have been up for over an hour. I have so much on my mind. And I can't talk to anyone about it. Not even you. And I just can't take it anymore.

Do you??

Do you realize when someone cares so deeply for you? Do you really care? How does a person let another know just how deeply they love another? And not a romantic love. A love that is between friends...a friend who has been there for years through everything? Yet it is a love for a friend I have never felt before.

Devastated

Yesterday was one of the most devastating days of my life thus far. There were 7 of us in my school circle of close friends and I was the only one that didn't get into RN school.  I know that God has other plans for me but it still devastated me.  I was certain with everything that was within me that I was in.  

I talked to one of my teachers than I am closest to and she did some checking for me. I was 5 points short of making the deadline.  But this is what she did find out thus far.  There are only 3 so far that has returned their acceptance letters.  The deadline is December 14.  We will see then if there were a lot of people that didn't return their letters and there may be room for me.  She has already got a call into the head of the nursing department and said she was not above going to the Dean of the nursing department to try to get me in. 

So at this point I am sitting back and waiting. I am looking into other options - especially doing it online - but will not apply or anything until I find out what is going to happen until after December 14.  

I really think this has been a test of my faith and I have failed miserably but my God is a forgiving God..  I feel like this is a test because I have quit going to church, I have quit reading my bible, I have quit praying.  I am so far from where I need to be or want to be so this was a turning point for me.  It was a wake up call.

Been a while

Well, I figured I would give this a go again. I just feel like I am whining all the time but I keep so much inside of me that I feel like I am going to explode.

I don't know who I am anymore.  I don't know what is right and wrong anymore.  Everything just seems so confusing. I am trying so hard to change my life. In the direction I once was. The direction I want to be again. How did I get from who I was to who I am?? How did I get so off track?? When did I stop knowing right from wrong?? The questions are there but the answers are not.  I just know where I want to be again.  I want to stop pretending and actually be that person again.

I lost a whole boat load of friends in the last few months due to some decisions I made.  Some of them I really miss.  Well one of them anyways. And I found out today that she has cancer. I have cried all afternoon simply because I don't know if her physical body is strong enough to go through what is coming in the next few weeks and/or months.

I miss being able to pick up the phone and text another friend any time I want to. I have made so many mistakes and hurt her so many times that it isn't even funny.  Yet when something happens during the day I still want to tell her about it.

I am waiting to hear if I got into RN school.  The school keeps lying to us about when the letters have/will go out.  I am just anxious all the time about that.  But in time I guess.  Just ready to get the next process rolling so I can move on to the next chapter of my life.