Where to start?

I don't know where to start.

I guess....last week...that is when it all started.

On the day that marked 4 years since we had lost Dana, we found out my baby cousin on that side of the family had bladder cancer.  We were scared to death but he had surgery last Thursday and they got it all.  There is a 10% chance of recurrence but this dear lady I met in the last few weeks told me today we were believing for a 0% chance :-)

Then we will return to last Thursday.  I am at work when I get a text from Momma saying that they had to call the ambulance for Brandon and they were on their way to the hospital.  Brandon got up and took all his seizure medicines at 6 that morning.  By 0630 he was in a full blown grand mal seizure.  When that finally ended, my grandparents and Momma gave him an Ativan (as the neurologist has told us to do).  Little did anyone realize that he never came out of that seizure completely and went into another massive grand mal seizure.  This time he quit breathing...for a long period of time.  Momma said it was 5 minutes but probably not.  I know it seems like an eternity when it happens.  They finally got him to the hospital and he went through a gamut of tests, all of which were negative, given some Valium and sent back home.  Each seizure he has (which it has been 2 years since his last one) gets worse and worse.  It just scares me.  Anyone who knows me knows that that child is more like my own child than my little cousin.

Work...I almost literally HATE one of my coworkers because she is so mean to me.  I don't know what I have done to her (except being a new nurse) but she has always treated me like this...only it is getting worse and worse.  The director of nursing knows this is going on but the last time she asked me about it, I told her it depended what side of the bed this person got up on.  Lately, it has been an every day occurrence and it is REALLY working on my nerves.  So much it is physically effecting me.

I love my patients at work.  Some more than others lol.  But I have this little lady that has been there almost a month.  Tomorrow she goes to the nursing home.  My heart is breaking because I have come to care about this lady - and her family - very much.  I know I will stay in contact with them because they have become friends of mine over this time.  And I told this lady that I would come visit her in the nursing home.  But not seeing them everyday is going to be an adjustment.  I never expected to get attached to Mrs. P as much as I did.

Then I have another patient who is only 40 years old with terminal cancer.  She has been in the hospital 3 times since I was hired in September.  She is in there now and has been since before Christmas.  She isn't going to be with us much longer and it is hard watching her die.  When she was coherent, she was such a fun person to be around.

I care deeply for my patients...sometimes too much.  But that is who I am.  That is what makes me who I am.  And while it is hard, it is what I am supposed to be doing.

School is good.  I take my final in Microbiology on February 1 and then I can move on to another subject...Thank goodness!  This class is killing me!!

The last 24 hours or so I have  cried almost nonstop and I don't know why.  I am missing my best friend more than anything. I always miss you but the last day or two has been worse than usual.  I have literally cried because I miss you so much.